I was at my son’s house yesterday for our family get together, we celebrated my daughter’s birthday, my wife and my 34th anniversary, and the 4th of July.  It was a great time.  At one point when I was swimming around in the pool I actually felt happy.  Really happy.  That gives me some hope that I am getting better.  It was just last week when I felt like shit on a Saturday.  This week has been one of steadily getting better.  I hope that it keeps up.  I am feeling pretty good this morning.

I think that I am realizing that there is still a good and happy part inside of me and that I may be able to experience that more and more as time goes on.  There are two things that are still out there that I want to get back into.  One of them is exercise, I may go to the gym once this week. The other is studio time, I have some mixing and mastering that I have to do today.  I want to do more studio work with other musicians.

As far as guitar playing is concerned, I am still too upset about losing my guitars to get excited about playing the guitar.  I am going to let that come back naturally.  I was talking to a friend who said that it took him two years to come back form having his guitars stolen.  I know exactly what he means.  I don’t like the replacement guitar that I have and I am not ready to look for a guitar that I could fall in love with.  So for guitar playing and performing, I am not ready yet.  I am still just really angry about the ass holes stealing my guitars.

But I would say that over all I am healing up.

peace

t

Then once I get settled into the friends and volunteer work routine, I want to step out and go to the gym.  That feels like a big stretch.  I used to go there all the time, but for some reason, it has become an albatross around my neck and I have been avoiding it like the plague.

I think that once I get that all done, is should be fall and I can get out and hike a little bit. That will help immensely.

So, that is the plan so far.

Today I booked a couple of get togethers with friends and did some of my volunteer work, so it was a good day.  Like I said, I am fucking with my meds and that is helping too.

This is a long haul, but I have no other choice.  I want to get better and get back to my music and into the studio.  That is my goal, but I have to be prepared that it won’t happen that way.  There may be something that I would rather do once I am healed.  I will have to wait and see.

Peace,

t

I don’t know what the cure is.  I suppose, at least this is my latest theory, that getting in touch with all the loss over the years.  I can list them.  Last September I had my dog of 12 years put down.  I can’t even think of that without crying.   Around the same time, all my guitars were stolen, my bird died, my brother in law died and another old friend of mine died.  All of this is just the most recent stuff.  I have lost two of my very best friends in the last few years.

During the depression, I have given up playing the guitar, doing studio work, hiking and other things that are important to me.  It is the nature of the beast.  The things that I love the most are the things that I give up.  That adds to the depression.

I don’t know if that it true for others, but it is for me.

I’m working hard to be better.  All kinds of counseling, meds etc.   And I suppose that I am getting better.  It just that the depression is with me all the time, and I have no guarantee that I will be better.  If I did, I would have more hope.  The only hope that I have is my determination and willingness to try things that should help.

I was hit with this depression over a year ago.  It has stopped my writing here.  I almost didn’t write this because I was embarrassed.  That is the problem with behavioral health, still stigmatized.  That stigma is why I haven’t written here for so long.  At least I feel stigmatized by it.

But I am going to change that.  I am going to write what is going on here. Hell, no one reads this anyway and it gives me a sense of myself and my connection.

That is enough for now, but I want to do this more often.

peace, t

I have been anxious and depressed and been trying all kinds of meds and therapies to conquer the situation. This has been going on for almost 10 months. In this condition, everyday is pretty much the same and it feels like there is no progress to write about. The progress that I would like to write about is feeling better. But I am up and down and in the middle of a cure, not at the end where I can celebrate and say that I have made it.

Right now, it is the nature of my condition that I don’t want to talk about it. I am embarrassed and have no particularly good spin to put on the situation. I do believe that I will start writing more however. If nothing else, writing will help me to feel that I am doing something at least.

As for today, I am feeling mediocre and will probably get into the studio and do some technical work, and perhaps start a song.  As for the future, I will keep posting and hoping.

peace,

Tom

It has been a long, hard road to get to the point that I am now.  I am not “cured,” but I do feel better.  Casualties of this episode in my life include studio work, performing, and even for a while just picking up the guitar and playing.  The studio was the first thing that I lost interest in.  I believe it is because I feel intimidated by the amount of detail and exacting activities that studio work requires.   Depression and anxiety makes that kind of work and responsibility practically impossible for me.  A couple of months ago, I “released” all my clients to another studio.  They were very gracious about it.  So, the studio went dark.  I am hoping to get back into the studio in some way around spring time.

It took me a long time to decide to write about the depression.  I was, and still am, embarrassed about it.  But because it consumed my life for the last seven months there isn’t much else to write about.  It has been a very hard time for me.  I hospitalized myself twice, and have spent most of the seven months trying to find the right meds.  I think that I have finally found the mixture of meds that is about as good as it is going to get med-wise.

I have been in several different out-patient groups, none of which helped much.  I have also tried traditional psychotherapy.  It helped.  I am currently in a form of therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).   It is a long program that I began back in August.  It is helping a lot.  This therapy should formally end next April or May.  That is when I hope to be back to normal.

This is a long and hard road.  My friends and family have been very supportive.  I owe a lot of my healing to them.  I also hired a companion to be with me for a while.  I no longer need her, but it was good to have her there during the really rough times.

I am nervous about blogging such personal affairs.  But the problem is that I don’t have anything else to blog about except my recovery.  So, I have decided to share part of that here.

peace

t

peace,

t

I am working on and in the studio a lot these days.  I have formed a trio and we are rehearsing.  I am laying down some tracks in preparation for bringing the trio into the studio to do some cover tunes.  Also, we have a gig at 7:45pm on June 24th at:
The Beaded Lizard Gathering
Devonshire Community Center
2802 E Devonshire Ave
Phoenix, AZ 85016
(602) 256-3130

We are gearing up for a performance at the Flagstaff Folk Festival, June 27 and 28.  I don’t know yet what day and what time.  I will put it into the calendar as soon as I know.

I have been building acoustic panels.  I finished Studio A, and am starting on the Control Room.  I should be done with everything by the end of June.

I am also working on a client’s cd.  I am playing bass on it and engineering it.  I think that it will turn out very nice.  We are about to wrap up the lead vocal, guitar and bass.  Then we will add some solo instruments.

I am in a worrying state this morning.  I have a bunch of negative “what ifs” rolling around in my head.  They are about my dog Oscar.  Yesterday he had an operation to take a cyst off of his eyelid.  I worried all day, then picked him up last night.  Of course he was groggy and not himself, under the influence.  He was really groggy at home too.  I hate to see him like this.  This morning he is still groggy.  I am scared.

Last week my grandson shared with me something that his employer, an old cowboy, told him.  He said that indeed bad things happen.  What I have control of is my worry.  So I can feel bad from now until something bad happens, or I can wait until the bad thing happens to feel bad – and not waste time worrying about something that might happen, a what if.

The gist of it is that I can chose to not worry.  That is hard for me to believe.  I trust my worrying and use it to motivate myself.  For me, what ifs are just the fuel for my random worry and shame.  Worry and shame keep me moving.  But they take such a toll.  And I am tired of them, tired physically and emotionally.

This morning the what ifs are about Oscar?  Is he sick?  Is he dying?  Will he get well?  What if he dies?   How will I feel?  What will I do without him?  Of course some day Oscar will die, I will be crushed.  But now is probably not the time, and my worrying about his death doesn’t serve either one of us.  But damn, it is hard to not worry, harder still to believe that I have the capability to not worry.

So, today I will test this out.  I will do the best I can to not play what if with Oscar’s recovery.  As he gets better, which I am certain in my heart he will, I will challenge my worries, see if I can make some headway.

To sum, there are lots of good things going on, and I want to think about those things, not things that could go wrong.  I wish myself luck.

peace,

t

PS:  The Oscar, worry story is a copy of a comment that I posted on my daughter’s web site, and can be found HERE.

My daughter is on a trip during which she is interviewing “people on the street” about what makes them happy.  She also has a blog where people can post or email her, talking about what makes them happy.  The comment I sent in is at the bottom of this post.  The site for anyone to submit a response is:  http://www.findinghappinesseverywhere.com

Her intention is to create happy and positive energy during this time of economic hardship, to remind us all that there is so much to be happy about.

At first I was suspicious of her theory.  I wasn’t in the mood.  But this morning, as I was writing what makes me happy, writing what makes me happy, made me happy.

So there is energy out there to be had.  I found it.

There is a back story here though.  For the last six or eight months, I have been really down.  It has been tough for me to feel good.  I don’t know exactly what has been the cause – maybe the economy, maybe my age – I am not sure.  But I seem to have reached the bottom and am on my way up.

I spent time in the studio yesterday, laying down some bass tracks for a client’s song.  Today I will do the same.  I am also putting together a trio to perform at the Flagstaff Folk Festival.  And, of course, I spend the in between time playing guitar and singing.  I spend all of my time doing what I love.  That is the definition of happiness.  And now I am experiencing the joyful feelings that are a result of doing the things that I love to do.

I wish everyone happiness and joy.

peace,

t

====HAPPINESS====
What makes me happy, what happiness is for me.

I am happy when I play my guitar.  I am really happy when I perform for others, playing my guitar and singing the songs that I love.

I am happy when I am in the studio, recording and engineering the music that I love – either alone or with other musicians.

I am happy when I write to family and friends and share what is going on with me.  I write in the mornings as I sit at my computer, having breakfast and enjoying the sounds from the back yard and listening to Pandora.

I am happy sharing my life with Linda, my wife.  In fact, my heart fills with joy just thinking about it – how in love I am and how I feel loved.

As I grow older, I realize that, for me, happiness is almost always about relationships.  The more relationships I have, the happier I stay.  The more I communicate with those I love, the happier I stay.

The greatest part of all of this is that I spend my whole day doing these things.  Therefore, most of all I am happy with my life.

Thanks for the opportunity to share what makes me happy.
====end====

At the house concert, Chuck impressed me with his guitar playing, professionalism and sweet voice. I am not a concert reviewer, and don’t have the words to describe the sound, so I won’t attempt it. However, I do know a really good guitar player when I hear one, and Chuck is excellent.

I love the new tunes as well as the songs that I hadn’t heard in a while.  Chuck’s music is a blend of personal stories, cowboy, and regional tales.  The lyrics, combined with his sweet voice and stylized guitar made for a warm and intimate evening.

Chuck is open and happy to talk guitar, and I took the opportunity to ask a few questions. His finger-picking style is one that I want to attempt, so I signed up for a guitar workshop he was to conduct the following Sunday.

Saturday, at the Glendale Folk and Heritage Festival, Chuck was nice enough to come by the stage on which I performed and listen to a couple of my tunes.

By the way, I had a great time at the Glendale festival. I did the last set of the day, so I was thinking that it would be a loser time with a small audience. Sure enough the audience was small, but there was nothing loser about the experience. I had a wonderful time performing about seven tunes in the close-in and personal venue. My cousin and a friend of hers made a surprise visit, enjoyed the music, and took me to dinner after the festival. Very nice.

The workshop on Sunday was very good. There were only five participants, so we each got plenty of attention. I won’t bore you with details, just to say that Chuck presented many techniques and ideas – more than enough to keep me busy practicing for quite a while. I am hoping that I will stick with the material long enough to at least capture the basic loping rhythm so distinctive in Chucks playing, and add it to my own style.

All in all, a good and musical weekend. I was back in the studio Monday.

Livin the dream.

peace,

t

So, I got up this morning, went to the gym and ran my ass off.  I do feel better.

It is so easy to sink into the fearful place though – even when desperation is not my current reality.  First, my financial advisor has already told me that I am alright financially.  And, about a week ago, at lunch with my daughter, she mentioned that she is trying to reframe her panic thoughts by reminding herself that the bad economy is not her reality.  She is doing fine.  I have been trying to use that reference.  My life in the here and now is great.  I have new equipment for the studio, still have customers, am playing a fun little gig tonight and today I am in the studio working on a tune of my own.

Point here is that I am fine.

I am also trying to see this time as an opportunity to cut back on needless expenses and learn to live on less.  Given my age, I would have been having to do this anyway as I approach (not there yet) cutting back on the hours I work.   Another thing that I am thinking is that this economic depression will be the last of this depth for my life time.  I just need to get through this one.  In retrospect, my life has been free of this kind of thing, the depression that shaped my parents thinking about money and security.  I guess it is my turn.

So, in the midst of the panic (mine), I am trying to employ as many new and old coping strategies as I can to stay sane – including venting here as I listen to Bob Marley sing  “Everything’s gonna be alright.” (No Woman, No Cry)

peace,

t