Tom Volhein

I am suffering from depression and anxiety.  It is hell some days, and not so bad other days. But there are no days when I don’t feel it.  Meds are a joke.  I suppose they help a little bit, but they are no cure.

I don’t know what the cure is.  I suppose, at least this is my latest theory, that getting in touch with all the loss over the years.  I can list them.  Last September I had my dog of 12 years put down.  I can’t even think of that without crying.   Around the same time, all my guitars were stolen, my bird died, my brother in law died and another old friend of mine died.  All of this is just the most recent stuff.  I have lost two of my very best friends in the last few years.

During the depression, I have given up playing the guitar, doing studio work, hiking and other things that are important to me.  It is the nature of the beast.  The things that I love the most are the things that I give up.  That adds to the depression.

I don’t know if that it true for others, but it is for me.

I’m working hard to be better.  All kinds of counseling, meds etc.   And I suppose that I am getting better.  It just that the depression is with me all the time, and I have no guarantee that I will be better.  If I did, I would have more hope.  The only hope that I have is my determination and willingness to try things that should help.

I was hit with this depression over a year ago.  It has stopped my writing here.  I almost didn’t write this because I was embarrassed.  That is the problem with behavioral health, still stigmatized.  That stigma is why I haven’t written here for so long.  At least I feel stigmatized by it.

But I am going to change that.  I am going to write what is going on here. Hell, no one reads this anyway and it gives me a sense of myself and my connection.

That is enough for now, but I want to do this more often.

peace, t

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